Write

I recently sobbed my way through the book "Raising your Spirited Child." It can be extremely isolating to be a full time parent to a child like this. It's not that this book has all the answers, no one does. But it's been helpful to put a name to it, to classify it. To be told it's not your fault, and to be told you're not alone.  I highly recommend the book to anyone whose kid is significantly higher energy, more intense, more sensitive, all around more difficult than other kids. 

I thought I would be an expert now that my son is almost 3 1/2, but I find myself still struggling to get through the day. 

Other parents of spirited kids - you know the feeling, the frustration and exhaustion of still being woken up at least once a night, despite having read every sleep book and trying every method. 

The agony of being afraid to go to the grocery store.  The prison of fearing every outing, every playdate, every walk to the park.  You know the feeling, when all the time tested parenting methods do not work on your kid. 

I decided to start writing today because my son just had the craziest tantrum I have ever seen ANY kid have in the grocery store. I took my deep breaths, I stayed calm, but as all the eyes bored into me, my oversensitive introverted soul could not take it and I started to cry. It was the lowest moment. Where was the sympathetic mom who could have just touched my shoulder and told me she understood. Where was the grandma to smile at me and tell me I'll get through it. No one was there, I was left crying, alone, stared at, and pitied. 

I try to remind myself to be grateful he is healthy. I try making lists sometimes, of my son's positive traits. Typical of a spirited child, he is very bright. - already sounding out words. But I wonder sometimes, is the trade off worth it? Would I rather have a passive, average kid who sleeps all night by age 3, naps, can be easily distracted to ward off a tantrum? I very often wish I had this kid. But I am still working to accept the kid I do have. The kid who is always going to be a challenge. The kid who has driven me into counseling that I can no longer afford.  The kid who I have never had one single babysitter for.  (how could I possibly ask someone else to deal with this?)

I have always had a hard time identifying with people, and this spirited child situation has not helped. I can't chatter on easily with the other parents at gymnastics or playgroup.  By the third week of these things, I am mystified to overhear the parents and nanny's all making plans and exchanging phone numbers. With my tiny fragments of time, I weed through the internet, looking for someone to align with. No one is out there. So here I am again, as I was when I was pregnant, at the end of my rope with nothing left to do but write.